another thing---

Tonight is bowling night!! Love being on the league, and still dream of someday becoming a professional bowler. My roller derby skates and my bowling shoes match!! Love it.

Forgotten Blog---

As with so many of my projects that I start and stop, this blog completely left my consciousness.  Luckily, in lab today the assignment was to create a blog.  I will at least re-invent my blog to match up to the newly re-invented me. 

So what's new?

I'm full time at UC Merced!! This is my first semester and I have decided to make an attempt at Solar Engineering---here's to starting all over!! Guess I really should have kept going with those pesky math and science classes.

I'm playing roller derby with the Merced Rollin' Roulettes and I friggin' love love love it. My roller derby name is Auntie Maim, which is based on my favorite character in the world--Auntie Maime.

Last but not least, we are going back to Kauai in May. So excited---if you want to see where we are headed, check out the slide show on the bottom. It is from our last trip there.

TTFN
-kelarella

Tuesday, September 8

When you plant a seed in the ground, does it instantaneously bear fruit? Of course not. You wouldn't expect it to, either. All things that bear fruit stay hidden for a time. This is a universal truth in both the physical and spiritual worlds. It's called conceal to reveal.

Today, don't judge yourself by the fruits you bear but by the seeds you put in the ground.

Ahhhh....one of my many personality faults...impatience.  Actually it's the extreme of impatience swinging into complete debilitating laziness.  As always, this reminds me to try and find a balance....which always kind of makes me feel uneasy, because in my mind I feel that everything should be gone after with all the zeal as possible.  This of course probably is the reason for my severe burnouts, depressions, and illnesses.  I hope I have planted that seed of balance, and it will be eventually revealed.

Just a thought though...I recently did have a nice little surprise (fruit).  I was invited to join the Alpha Gamma Sigma California Community College honor society.  Here's to hoping that this will help me fund and/or get into the UC Merced.  Still haven't heard anything from them. :( 

Wednesday, Sept. 2

So why do so many people walk around hating themselves? There is a truth to this statement that only you can tell if it is real or not.

Today, wrap your arms around yourself and say, "I love you." I know, more cheese. But please do it anyway. And keep doing it until you mean it.

This is so true in my opinion, and it seems to cause more problems in the world than anything else.  People feel bad about themselves and try to measure up to what society, parents, schools, religions think they should be.  We all have different roles...there is a reason we are all wired differently and add that to our experiences (both good and bad) we all have a destiny that really is never clear.  One of my crazy thoughts is using the Adam and Eve story that Sin is the first time that they felt shame.  They were ashamed of who they were and started trying to cover up and hide who they really were.  If we could all just truly revert back to our true nature and recapture our true selves, what a different place it would it be.  Do I think this is possible...no.  But, I like to dream about it.

Tuesday, Sept. 1

How many times have a good friend or family member offended us and we cut them out of our life. It's like all those good times we've shared, and all the moments they saved our you-know-what doesn't matter.

Fortunately the Light doesn't have such a short memory. It keeps account of the sum total of all we've done in our life and doesn't single out the negative - as we're prone to do. The Light judges our lives based on the net value of the love we've shared with others.

Let's strive to have this same consciousness with our friends and loved ones today.

Thank goodness something is keeping track, since it seems I have the opposite problem of not remembering and cycling through the same patterns over and over again.  Balance has never been my forte even though I do try and work on it.  Luckily I have friends like Oleta who can give me perspective and who has an uncanny gut feeling about what's really going on.

Friday, August 28

Don't be afraid to make mistakes. Anyone judging is only seeing you from their reality. Your job is to learn from YOURS. When you start realizing it's ok to screw up, you begin to loosen up and relax. And things flow from there.

Today, get in there. Get messy. Get out of this mindset that you have to perform for everyone.




My notes:  Sometimes it feels like these ponderings come at just the right time.  This is definitely an area I have struggled with my entire life....even if I am only addressing it a day later. 

Today's though

For relationships to function, we must be truthful, and willing to look at every difficulty as an opportunity to learn and evolve.

Today, look to see who you're struggling with and sit with this thought, "What has this person come to teach me?" It is so exhilarating to learn that what we fear the most is what is inside of us.


So...what am i fearing and having difficulty with?  It is the worry that we are going to go on the same unhappy way.  I don't know how to control my disappointment and fear.  I get so depressed, and yet I have to remember and maintain that even if we disagree with a choice, we have to continue to love.  The question though is what am I being taught?  I guess what pops into my mind is that only I myself can make me happy.  I have to try and reach in there every single day and try to make it the best.  I know that I think that I'm not judgmental, but my worry often turns into that.  It's hard to get past that...it makes me rethink so much.  I don't want to be an enabler.  I think I've done okay handling my emotions...could do better.  I've said what is on my mind and my worries.  I hope it gets balanced with a realization that it's just my worry talking and it not being a defeatist attitude. 


My fear is loving someone who can't seem to love himself and all the mess that comes with it.  So does that mean that I fear that I am truly not loved?  That is true that I have often felt this way....as far as being loved for who I TRULY am...not just what I can do or how dependant we are on each other.  I guess I still have a long way to go as far as declaring..."this is who I truly am. Love it or leave me."  It was definitely worth the thought.